3 Did someone say Shrink-a-versary Extravaganza?

That's what I thought I heard!  How freaking' exciting is this!!!

The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans is celebrating it's 1 year anniversary and will hosting giveaways each day in November, so be sure to swing by and join us for a month of fun! I am so grateful that I found some pretty wonderful people that have the openheartedly given me so much support both on my weightloss journey and everyday dramas.

Here are my goals for November, (my starting weight is 147.4):

1) To FINALLY break out of the 140's!  If I can lose 1 lb a week...I can reach that goal!
2) To walk/run at least 10 miles a week.
3) Be sure to get my 2 liters of water in each day.


***This is great timing for a new challenge, as this weekend I will be finishing the October Challenge with the Shredheads, and even though I slipped a little this week, here is how my month has gone.

Starting weight:144.0 lbs
Ending weight:147.4 lbs
*(blaming it on emotional eating if you recall this post, as I was holding steady and even dipped to 142.4 a few weeks ago)

Inches: down 4.25 inches total ( Chest: up 1 inch, Waist: down .5 inch, Lower Abdomen: down 2 inches, Hips: down .5 inch, Thighs: down 1.5 inches, Butt: down 1 inch)

Since the start of the Shredheads challenge,  I have gotten back into 3 new pairs of pants/jeans.  So even though the scale isn't looking better, I can tell that my body is starting to move into the right places!  Up until last week I was Shredding Mon/Wed/Fri mornings and doing C25K on Tues/Thurs evenings.  Am comfortable doing 3 minute intervals of running/walking.  Ready for something new, think maybe my body needs some sort of change to get back into a routine.

So stop over and join the Sisterhood's Extravaganza for what looks to be an exciting month full of surprises!

3 You Capture - Autumn

It's been a rough week for me, but I was able to find some beauty in the changing colors of autumn.  So many of the leaves around Ohio have already fallen, but there are a few that are holding strong and lighting up the dreary rainy days.  Here are a few of my favorite that I want to share with everyone over at Beth's Place for You Capture this week.

Given,this last picture would be so much better without the powerlines, but I love the range of colors in it.  So beautiful!

11 One Year ago my life changed forever...

I can't believe it has been a year since my mom left this earth.  It feels like it was yesterday, yet it feels like it's been forever.
~I'm aware this is a really long post, but I needed to get this off my chest-thanks for listening~

I remember driving home from work one year ago today and talking to my mom and laughing about random things.  I know exactly where I was the last time she told me that loved me and I got to tell her I loved her too.  8 hours later...she was gone.  It's going to be hard to drive that road tonight to get home.  I'm going to take some tissues and a bucket with me, because I've been feeling all kinds of emotion and nausea today.  I know that she is right here with me and trying to wrap me in peace and love, and I am reminded me of all the things that I hold in my heart that I feel are signs from mom.  Little blurps over the past year to let me know that she isn't that far away.

Once shortly after I got my phone, there was a red SOS symbol in the upper corner where the signal bars normally are.  I had to turn off my phone, take out the battery and sim card and put it all back together again.  This happened a handful of times in the first year I got the phone.  I had a dozen of those error msgs pop up over the first few days after Mom passed.  Sometimes I would just be sad and pick up the phone to call Grandma and the symbol would be there then it would go away.  Sometimes when I was talking to Grandma it would cut out and I'd see the SOS msg that disconnected our call.  Never once did I have to take my battery or card out like I had before. I didn't think anything about it at the time, was just frustrated.  But maybe it was something else.

I love ladybugs, and have for years.  My mom knew this and tended to always get me something with ladybugs on it.  Sometimes it would be dishtowels or a candle or a pencil with a ladybug antennae on the cap.  She would stick ladybug stickers on cards she would send or give me a stuffed ladybug toy for Emma.  It got to the point that when she asked me what I wanted for my birthday or Christmas, I had to tell anything without ladybugs on it. She would laugh and say "OK, I know you've got enough ladybugs."

At the cemetery, after we said our good byes and walked back to the car to head back to the church, I leaned on my husbands shoulder and sobbed.  I was holding the glove my husband had given me that he wore to help carry the casket.  I noticed a ladybug was crawling on my hand.  I kinda of smiled and looked over at my husband and started to cry some more.  I rolled down the window and let her fly away.  Later on my cousin had asked if I saw the ladybugs.  Oh did he tell you there was one in the car?  She said no during the graveside service, she and her mom noticed there were tons of ladybugs flying around, then afterward they were instantly gone.  That made me sob so hard, my mom had given me sent me some ladybugs that day and I didn't even get to see them.  Now everytime I see a ladybug, I smile because I know she is trying to life my spirits.


I had my first dream of Mom on Christmas Eve, 2 months after she passed.  I was in my house hanging out with some family and friends, almost like it was a cookout type of thing. I walked downstairs and my Mom was sitting on the couch. I stopped halfway down in total shock of what I was seeing.  I walked down and sit on the couch beside her, in total amazement of what I was seeing, kinda like it was a dream inside a dream. I was like "what's going on". She was just smiling and saying hi and how cute I looked. My mouth was hanging open and I was like"ahhh...what are you doing here, this can't be real...how did you get here?" I looked up at one of my friends and asked them if they saw what I saw. They said yes that she was real and was sitting on the couch.

I then went and stood in front of her and was asking what had happened. She told me that she was here, I just looked at her in amazement that we were having a conversation. I started to cry and told her I thought she was gone. She said no, she had just gone on a trip, she was sorry that I had thought that. I continued telling her what exactly happened and how I saw her at the hospital and funeral home and she was there laying in front of me with no life left in her. I showed her the obituary and how real it was. I was crying so hard and she began to cry and told me she was sorry for leaving, she didn't realize how confusing her trip was going to be and that it was ok now, because she was back and everything was ok. She just had to go away for a little bit but she was back now.

Then she gave me a hug and told me everything would be ok and she never meant to hurt me like that. She was sorry that I had to go thru all of that for no reason. She just went on a little vacation, she wasn't gone...just away for a little bit. I could feel her arms around me as I laid my head on her shoulder. I took a deep breathe that I had been holding in for the last 2 months. She told me she loved me and was sorry that I had to go thru when it wasn't real.

I must have woken up at that point in the dream, because that's the last thing I remember is her hugging me. I woke up feeling a pressure around me, like a heavy blanket was laid across my chest as I slept.  I cried in my Cheerios that morning because I knew that I will only feel her arms around me in my dreams until that day we meet again. But I know that she came to me in that dream on that night to let me know she didn't want to leave and that she was still there with me and would still be able to hug me when I needed it...even if I could only feel it with my heart.

So Christmas Day came. Wasn't really looking forward to it much like I normally was, I knew it was going to be hard not seeing Mom there.  After dinner, we gathered in the living room to exchange gifts. My grandma handed me a box and told me these were for me. It wasn't uncommon for her to give me a few little extra things for Christmas, so I just thought that it was something from her.

I went over and sit on a spot by the tree, there were over 30 people in the room, so you cop-a-squat where you can. Started looking around while everyone opened their presents and saw my cousin getting teary and looking at me. I knew it was hard for everyone not just me.  I looked down at the box and realized that they were not presents from my Grandma. They were gifts that my mom had already bought and wrapped before she passed away. I immediately started crying when I saw her handwriting. She had beautiful penmanship. Something that I definitely didn't get from her. There were several things in the box. There was a Rachel Ray cookbook, she knew I was messing with new recipes and trying new foods. There were several packages that were wrapped and labeled.

The first thing that I opened was something that she had gotten me but it didn't come in until after she had passed, so my Grandma wrapped it for me. A few weeks before she passed away I had gotten an AVON book in our mailbox. I flipped thru it and saw a Smurfette watch. It made me smile and instantly reminded me of being young watching the SMURFS on Saturday mornings. So that night when I talked to her, I told her if she ever ordered me anything from AVON again, this watch would be perfect. See my mom was always getting me little rings or jewelry or lipstick from AVON, so I knew that she would probably be getting the same book if she didn't have it already. Apparently she had ordered it for me but was never able to see me wear it.

The next thing in the box was a package that said it was from Toby & Moses. Toby is my grandma's dog and Moses was my mom's cat. It wasn't unusual for me to get gifts from the pets...they were part of the family too! They were 2 giant Sudoku puzzle books. She had mentioned these to me months before and asked if I knew how to do those crazy number puzzles. I said I loved them and she said she had some books someplace and if she ever found them she would give them to me. I have been doing them ever since, being sure to do each one completely before moving onto the next. I want them to last as long as they can.

The final package was a long box. On the label it said:

To: Mendie Jo

You are the best thing that ever happened to me. 

I love u!!!

From: Mom

My heart broke. I had gotten dozens of gifts before with little heartfelt messages on them, but this by far touched me the most of anything I had ever gotten. I just held it in my hands and started crying even more. Who knows how long she had that package wrapped in her room. I couldn't bring myself to open it, I didn't want to damage the package because of what it symbolized. I waited until I got home later that night and carefully opened the package, being sure not to tear the label, in front of our Christmas tree. Thru the tears I opened up a beautiful bracelet that she had gotten me. While it was a very pretty bracelet, my eyes continued to gravitate to the words that were on the package.

I know there was no way for her to know how much those words would have meant to me when I opened that package on that day. And that is what made them even more special. That she wrote them on a Tuesday when she decided to wrap Christmas presents. They were just what was in her heart at that very minute, the same as every minute and she wanted to make sure that I knew it. I am just sorry that every other package or card that she had given me wasn't as appreciated as this one was. I always was thankful but wish that I was better at telling her while I had the chance. I keep those labels and look at them often. Every time I look at them I say another thank you to the mother that loved me every minute of everyday....and tell her I love her too.

It has been a rough year indeed, but I find some peace in the fact that she won't be in the hospital anymore, she won't have to take tons of medicine anymore, and I don't have to worry about her hurting anymore.  I want to be selfish and I will continue to cry because I don't have my mommy here anymore.  I keep trying to pull pieces of stories that we have shared over the years to help me since I can't call and ask her anymore.  There is so much that I wish I would have asked her while I had the chance, but now I just have to look in my heart and try to figure it out.  She very well might still try to answer me, I just need to be open to how she will get the answer to me.

Mom, I miss your smile and your laugh.  I didn't want to let go of your hand that night.  You had the biggest heart of anyone that I know, I'm just sorry it wasn't strong enough to last many more years.  Thank you for being my mother...I will continue trying to make you proud.  I love you and I'll talk to you on the drive home.

27 You Capture - Technology

In the world of music downloads and satellite radio, its almost a thing of the past for people to actually own music that they can hold in their hands anymore.  Of course we have MP3 players and CD players like most people do, but we also have some older technological jewels of the musical kind in our house.

For example....this thing of beauty...the 8 track player...with actual 8 tracks! I'm sure this thing is older then some of you reading this post.  It belonged to my husbands grandparents and he recently agreed to take it off their hands (after asking them if he could have it...LOL).

Some of you may have had a box like the one shown below when you were young-the portable turntable.  You can't see it in this pic, but it has the classic denim inspired case.  We only have a few of the small records (including this Strawberry Shortcake story), but a few dozen bigger ones given to us from family members.

For the past 4 years, I have been purchasing my hubby vinyl for birthdays and Christmas's.  He wants to get a new record player this year to start enjoying his growing collection.  I wouldn't know WHY he wouldn't want to play them on the one we already have...would you??

Come see what other technology was captured over at I Should Be Folding Laundry.

5 Weigh-in Wednesday

Well this day isn't starting out very good.

The scale yelled at me this morning and said I was at 144.8!  SUCK IT!

Mind you I haven't exercised since Saturday because we have been spending all our free time finishing the theater room but I thought I would at least hold steady and not see a gain since last week.  But I have been pretty good food wise, so I guess I'm to the point where I need to continue exercising if I want to lose weight.

But I did end up losing weight during the Shrink for Good challenge...so I'm happy to report I have a pile to donate to our local foodbank. 

Another challenge done, I'm ready to start the next one in a few weeks, until then I'm gonna continue working towards the "Virtual 5K" that I will be doing with my friends from Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans.

7 So you wanna have a baby

“The time has come my little friends…to talk of other things.” (Anyone know what movie that is from?) Warning: this post is not about weight-loss…so if you are looking for that, come back tomorrow when I’ll be weighing in. But if you are a women and currently are or have been trying to become a mother then please read on, I could use some advice and thoughts to let me know if I am crazy or if this is normal.

We are officially trying to have a baby. Wow…that’s a big thing to put out into the world for all to read! But it’s one we made last month and thought we would stop worrying about all the "what-ifs" and focus on the joy a child would bring and see if the stars align for us. I’m only telling my closest friends and one family member, don’t want everyone to know we are trying until it happens and I well am into my 1st Trimester. So if you came upon this blog somehow and know me or my family on a local level, please don’t mention this to them….no use in getting anyone excited until we have something to be excited about? My family is known to talk and share almost everything, so news of me getting off the pill would be passed along faster then the President being in town. Thanks for understanding!

I took my last birth control pill on September 16th. I have been on BC pretty much since I was 18 or 19 years old in one form or another. Mostly the pill, but I have also tried Nuvaring….which wasn’t really for me. So for me, not taking a pill everyday was going to be weird. My husband and I decided to just let things happen naturally, at this time we don’t see ourselves going for medications or procedures to help us get pregnant (mostly because of finances), but fully support anyone who goes that route. If it’s meant to be, then it will be. I’m putting everything into Gods hands and if he thinks I can handle it then may we be blessed with a baby.

But then the analytical and emotional sides of me come out. Like going to Target and seeing a Winnie the Pooh Pack & Play on Clearance for $60…should I get it just in case, I could always use it as a gift later on if it doesn’t happen right? Hours have been spent researching names and options for births etc. But then I figure why am I getting excited for something that may never happen you know? There are so many stories of women who haven’t been able to get pregnant or stay pregnant, several in my family including my mother who had several miscarriages before having me.

I am 32 and my husband will be 35 next month, so we are closer to the end of the window then the beginning for a first time pregnancy. So I started taking prenatals a few months ago when we started deciding when the pill popping would stop. I also take an Omega 3-6-9 and B6 or B12 supplement too. I have continued to watch my weight and have lost 46 lbs and exercise at least 4 times a week, combo of Shredding and Walk/Run intervals. I also stopped drinking my 3 cups of morning java which I covered with so much SF creamer you couldn’t even taste the coffee anymore, and now have a diet soda every morning instead. Hope to ween myself off of that, but for now I’m still using that as my caffeine boost. So I started to focus on making myself healthier so that when the time came and we were gifted with a little bean, I would have done the best I could do to make a safe womb for baby.

I started charting last month, anyone who has researched TTC knows of the things I am speaking of. Things I never thought I would put into an excel table are now being updated daily with temps, exercise, aches, cramps, headaches, fluids, etc! Thought it would be kind of interesting as I am an analyst by trade, so I love watching trends and trying to guess what’s going to happen next. While I know you can’t plan these things, it’s interesting to see how my body is reacting to going off the pill and to being a woman in general.

Question for my readers: Have any of you charted your temps or used Ovulation Predictor kits to figure out when your “primetime” is?

Anyone who remembers or is going thru this now knows some of the questions that have been popping up in my head lately. Since I have been on the pill, my periods have gone from being 5-6 days to about 3. Does this mean I am less fertile? They also have gone from being pretty heavy to being lite to medium. Does this mean I’m less fertile? Of course, with the my cycle was about 24 days consistently. But this first month of being off the pill, had put me in a 35 day cycle. Does this mean my cycle is off track since I’m not showing hormones to trick my body anymore? Apparently so, because I have had pre-cramps, no moodiness, no tender breasticles…but when the time came, my cramps were worse then ever. Does this mean I’m less fertile? I have been exercising pretty hard this last month, getting my heart rate between 180-200 most days. Is this too much stress on my body…am I delaying ovulation because of the physical stress I am putting on my body or just with the emotional stress of worrying about it happening? So much for not worrying, huh?

I have been achy and tired this last week, but I’m attributing it to the fact that it turned butt-ass cold in Ohio and a bug is going around or that I’m staying up to late at nights and getting up earlier a few days a week to exercise. But other then that, I find that I am actually a little more chipper then normal, I think the hormones were possible making me crankier. Or maybe it’s just the thought of babies that brightens up everything around me.

So in the mean time, its business as usual. I will continue to have the occasional beer or wine, continue to exercise my arse off in an attempt to shed a few more lbs before it happens and try not to worry about the chance it will never happen. I am just going to focus on the fact that my husband and I have so much love for each other and our marriage that we want to create someone to share that with. And it’s fun practicing!

8 Final Shrink for Good Weigh-In

Today is the final Weigh-In for the Shrink for Good Campaign over at Shrinking Jeans.
My scale told me I was 144 even this morning, no change from Wednesday's weigh in.

But I'm happy to report a 2.6 lb loss from the start of this challenge (1.8%). Didn't dip into the 130's like I planned when the challenge started, but at least I am ending it weighing less then I did when it started!

I think it was a great chance to do good for others while doing something good for ourselves. I am so proud of all of the participants that lost weight and ended up donating probably over 100 lbs of food to their local food banks. Great job ladies and gents!

25 You Capture - STILLLIFE

Some things that are in your life have no movement yet they can move you in ways that amaze you. They can make you go from feeling numb to feeling like you can jump over the moon.

Simple little boxes under the cabinets...one of my favorite parts of my kitchen. It's like it was custom made for all the little things that have no other place to go!

Lead and glass....one is so weak and the other so strong. A happy marriage of materials that welcomes everyone into our home.

A bear that my Grandpa got when he had his open-heart surgery and triple bypass. That bear is over 20 years old and still has the indentations from him squeezing it when he coughed. That bear makes me smile, it takes me back to a happy time, a time I still had my Grandpa.

If I could capture the things that fill my mind and heart with so much feeling lately, it would be this picture. Everytime I pop my vitamin, as I take my temperature in the morning and update my chart, and skim thru one of the books I am filled with so much emotion and hope and fear. It's an amazing roller-coaster of feelings! Hoping we get good news soon and discover we are starting a family....we want a baby ladybug!

Come over to Beth's place and share what you found this week with You Capture!

6 Weigh-in Wednesday

Well not too proud to be typing this update this morning for the Shrink for Good Campaign. The scale is back up to 144, which wipes out the 1.6 I lost last week! Urgh. Not surprised though, as I didn’t count calories on Saturday, instead spent the day with friends watching College Football all day. Of course that entailed having a few lots of beer and comfort food and awesome treatbars. Oh I paid for it about 8 o’clock when we got home, I felt like hell!

My workouts for this week were:
Thursday-REST
Friday-Shred Level 2
Saturday- 2 miles (5 min walk, 3 min run/walk, 5 min walk)
Sunday-REST
Monday-Shred Level 2
Tuesday-5K Training-2 miles (5 min walk, 3 min run/walk, 5 min walk)
Wednesday-REST (yes didn’t get up this morning to Shred…go ahead give me crap but I was soo achy, gave myself a pass)

Plans for next week are to move up to 4 min run/walk intervals in my 5K training…not ready to move up to 5 just yet, so making a new level of 4 min. Hey every little bit helps me get closer! How did you do this week? Stop over and share with us at The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans.

9 Oh Golly Gee....for me?

Ace of If you Think Round if Funny, gifted me with an award last week. I just recently started sharing more about my "personal" non-weight loss life and thought it was fitting to have been nominated at this time. Thanks Ace!

You are supposed to pass this on to 10 of your bloggy friends and share 10 things people probably don't know about you.

OK, here are 10 things that you don't know about me:
1) I never met my birth father
2) My mother was the oldest of 10 kids so I grew up with lots of aunts and uncles
3) I am an only child
4) When I was younger, my favorite color was clear...what sense does that make?
5) My snow boots are a children's size 3, yet I wear size 6 Asics
6) I HATE horror movies
7) Sometimes I talk to myself in a high-pitched British accent while I'm cleaning
8) I love College Football, Ohio State the most, but will watch it all day long if there are good games on
9) I love Brussel sprouts
10) I was on the swim team in high school, breast stoke and 400IM relay

Without further ado, here are 10 of the honest bloggers I read and why I gifted this to them.

~April-Did that just Happen? I love seeing how she continues to grow more comfortable with who she is...and that she loves animals!

~Beth-I Should be Folding Laundry An awesome writer with an amazing way to capture emotion in her photography that makes you feel life

~Brooke-Smart + Strong=Sexy This one has a great head on her shoulders and is planning for her family's future while enjoying what everyday has to offer

~Christie-Baby Tea Laves I admire anyone who can complete several triathlons and also lets her son wear his batman mask to the store

~Elaine-Miss Elaine-ous Life Love when she stands up for her opinion on things, which i had more of that trait sometimes

~Heather-Mama Sass I admire her strength in opening her home and heart during her MIL cancer treatments

~Melissa-Whooo's that Girl I think this women is the real deal-loves her children and loves time with her family and friends, even when road bumps come up-she can find a way to deal with it (also an amazing photographer!)

~Sarah-A Mommy Elephant'a Everyday Adventures uber-cool momma who wants to be better for herself and her adorable son Max

~Steph-Adventures in BabyWearing Her words and simplistic photos make me smile and believe that there are still honestly goodhearted people out there

~Susan-Warm Chocolate Milk love her writing style and makes me think about what my thing will be that will make my children feel warm and fuzzy inside

Thanks again Ace! I love the fact that you are such an active part of your children's life and you crack me up with most of your posts!

22 You Capture - RED

The color red.
It can represent so many different feelings. Love, Anger, Power and Pain just to name a few. Here are some red things that jumped out to me when Beth posted the new You Capture challenge for this week.

For the past 3 years in the middle of September, we have gone to a local fruit farm early in the morning to pick Honeycrisp Apples. If you haven't tried a honeycrisp apple, I highly recommend going to your local market and looking for one. They have become my all time fruit. All other apples pale in comparison to the Honeycrisp! So crisp and sweet with just a little bit of tart....my mouth is watering just thinking about them!

Our house is a HUGE Ohio State Buckeye house! We watch everygame on the big screen, occasionally will go tailgating or to a game and always looking for cool Ohio State stuff. This picture is one that we took at a game last year and did a little editing to enhance. I would love to get this picture blown up and put up in our theater room! This was taken on our way into the stadium.

What had you seeing red this week? Stop over and share with Beth and the You Capture challenge!

9 Weigh-in Wednesday

Time to be accountable with my friends over at Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans and weigh-in for the week. I had an emotional weekend and I've done a lot of crying. Stepped on the scale and held my breathe.....would I have more food to contribute to the Shrink for Good Campaign? Or would my emotions get the best of me (there may have been some hummus and bagel chip snacking)?

Yes I do! I am down 1.6 lbs this week to 142.4 lbs! Can I get a woot-woot! That's another 2 cans of kidney beans to my pile for the food bank! This also puts me 2.8 lbs away from a huge milestone...50 lbs! I hope hope hope I reach that goal in the next couple of weeks!

For some extra motivation, I joined a challenge with the Shredheads for the month of October, to focus on either a 5K or 30 Day Shred. I choose to do both since I am alternating between the two to find a happy medium between losing both pounds and inches.

My workouts for this last week were:
Thursday-5K Training-1.5 miles (5 min walk, 1.5 min run/walk, 5 min walk)
Friday-Shred Level 1
Saturday & Sunday-REST
Monday-Shred Level 2
Tuesday-5K Training-2 miles (5 min walk, 3 min run/walk, 7 min walk)
Wednesday-Shred Level 2

Feeling good overall with my workouts. I am almost back to the level of C25K that I was on before Labor Day so that makes me feel better. I'm tweaking the plan just a little bit to see how far I can go. I'm gonna stick with the intervals for a week at a time so I can hopefully get up to 3 miles by November 8th, which is World Run Day, and complete my first unofficial 5K (around my neighborhood or local university) with the Sisters!

How did you all do this week...get some Shredding or 5K training in? Keep pushing yourself...you will be surprised what your body gets used to when you have a goal in mind!

*Oh and don't forget to check out Jen @ Prior Fat Girl (who has been and continues to be amazing in her journey thru weightloss and life in general) contest for a chance to win an awesome book!

7 Oh Mom...how I miss you

My husband and I went out to the cemetery yesterday to visit my mom. It's always so hard to go visit her, mostly because its like a slap in the face that she is no longer here. The flashes of seeing her at the hospital and then the funeral and walking away from the casket at that very spot with tears running down my face and a hole in my heart stays with me well after I leave the cemetery grounds.

I lost my mother almost a year ago, October 28th 2008. I got the call at 12:30 from my aunt who lived across the street from her that she couldn't breathe and had passed out and they couldn't get her to respond. We lived about 40 minutes away and when we arrived at the hospital I ran in to find my little cousin walking towards me with his arms open and tears in his face. I knew she was gone. I collapsed in the arms of a 17 year old high school senior who loved her more then any of his aunts. I could hear my grandma in the chapel hysterical. She was with her when he passed out and was the last one to talk to her and she couldn't hold her up when she collapsed. I remember all of that just like it was yesterday.

I, as an only child, was left in charge of picking up the pieces after she was gone. Sadly, I do not come from money nor am I made of money and even with the help from some family and friends, arrangements had to be made to cover the funeral expenses. This also means I haven't been able to get her a headstone yet. It breaks my heart every time I go out there and see the little plastic sign from the funeral home marking her resting place. The cross-stitch heart that was once in the corner is now faded, but her name still stands from the plaque. I shared my thoughts and concerns about starting a family, was I ready would I be a good mother. I said some words, some out loud and others in my head...I knew she could hear them both. My husband just held me as I sobbed and stared down at the ground.

We stopped by a local business that makes memorials on our way out of town. We just wanted to stop and see what we liked and get a number to call and get prices and details and timing. But there was a man, who ended up being the owners father and before we knew, the owner had come over and was talking about what we could do etc. It was so thoughtful of him to come out on a Sunday to talk about this with us. So I decided on a size and color of granite that I thought best fit my mom, something I think she would have chosen if given the choice. We then started talking about what else I wanted on the stone besides the name and dates. I wasn't really feeling the praying hands or angel wings. But a simple phrase kept popping in my head and I knew that was what I wanted to go with at the bottom of the stone.

A Loving Mother, Daughter and Sister

Those 6 words said so much about who my mom was. I was an only child, although she had several miscarriages and lost a baby and a husband when she and my step-father were in an accident when I was 3. She always thought the world of me and I never remember her yelling at me or telling me I was dumb for something I did or said, even when it probably was clearly evident. She always would acknowledge the small things, like getting a good review at work or losing half a pound a week.

She lived with my Grandma for the last 5 years of her life. They became kind of like the odd couple and best of friends at the same time. They would complain about each other, but then rarely went anyplace without the other. Yin and Yang, Salt and Pepper...Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. My mom would always go to the dr with my grandma and had all her medications and dosages written on a laminated card that she kept in her wallet. She was a nurse before going on disability years ago, so that kinda thing came naturally to her. It was hard to decipher some of the medical code but we figured it out. She would make my grandma dinner and make sure that she ate enough. She would make new things and try recipes and clip coupons to make their budget go as far as it could.

My mom was the oldest of 10 children and loved all of them with her whole heart. She always sent cards and left messages often singing happy birthday to family members. She loved spending time with her nieces and nephews and supported them in all they did, whether it be sports, music or education. She loved to listen to one talk about football practice while giving him a shoulder rub and loved it when another would come over and play his guitar and sing them a song or three. She thought it was wonderful when her littlest nephew would come over and ride his bike in the driveway and they would share knock-knock jokes. She loved her family more then most people even knew. I am sure that there wasn't a day that went by that she wasn't worrying about someone or thinking about when she would see them again.

I broke into tears when I tried to tell the man what I wanted to have at the bottom. I had to walk away while my husband talked with him. All the things that those words represented just stuck a pin into my heart, and made me wish it was a year ago. How much my life and attitude towards so many things have changed in a years time. There are so many things that I would do and say and ask her if only I had more time. I wish I could ask her about how her pregnancy with me was or how she knew she would be a good mom. I know she would be one of my biggest cheerleaders on this weight loss journey.

It just sucks sometimes having to make decisions like picking out a headstone or choosing financing options when all you want to do is cry and mourn and wish for more time. But I hope that she will be looking down and be happy with what I chose for her. It is light and warm and makes you remember how loved you felt whenever you heard her voice or listened to her laugh. Oh how I miss all of her.